Growing up in Africa is unique. Aside from the trust fund children locked up in mansions with their Play Stations, I believe we all had relatively similar experiences growing up. Scenes from my childhood: playing with balls intricately crafted with polythene and rope. My hair is short as a result of the unreasonable shaving rules and is covered by my playmate, dust. My nails are dirty from digging little holes in the ground to play marbles and choosing which finger strikes best; it was basically the equivalent of choosing a golf club. Running home for lunch and water holding up my pair of trousers that were always a size larger and running back to play hide and seek. They were the best days of my life, days without a care in the world.
Then they passed a bit too fast. The transition was sudden and we had to adapt all too quickly. However, not all of us could adapt as quickly as it was required of us. Adapt in the Kenyan context means to work hard in school and get good grades and become doctors and pilots, boasted about by the entire village. Thus, if you managed to do that, you were a good child. Which begs the question, are you a bad child for not being able to get C+ and above. Fact: only 17.5 percent of Kenyan students got that in 2021. I guess that, by extension, Santa shall not pay a visit to 82.5 percent of kids in Kenya.
The pride of every school became to produce the best grades, by all means necessary. Thus, if a student could not write as well as me (I mean you’ve read this article this far) or could not get 98 percent in the Mathematics exam, they were assumed to just be lazy and in need of a beating. Often, a lot of criticism is directed towards these children. If at some point a child began to dwindle in their studies or acting out, not much is done to find the root of the problem. The filial disobedience is simplified as naughtiness and the solution is punishments and lectures.
I should, however, mention that the harsh nature of parents and teachers is often benign and they often see themselves as mentors. Through criticism, they are setting standards for their children and raising them just as they themselves were raised with the hopes that their children shall not make the same mistakes they did. They push their children to become architects and lawyers as they grew up knowing that that was the only meaningful success.
However, this constant criticism may end up lowering the child’s esteem as they feel academically inadequate and they shall try to distance themselves from the source of this feeling. Some may decide to lash out in retaliation which psychologists say is a defense mechanism. In many African homes, it is defiance.
It is important to acknowledge that when children challenge the complaints that their parents and even peers have about them, they are just trying to protect their self-image that is quite fragile. This does not mean that parents should yield to all of their children’s desires, or completely ignore their mischief, but it aims to emphasize that they should be patient with their children when they act in ways that, given their adolescent stage, are more or less age-appropriate.
The worst part is that regardless of the rebellion, the self-doubt and inadequacy implanted in such children never goes away. No matter how much a child will rebel, they are usually unable to care for themselves thus they remain under their parent’s care and under the constant criticism. After growing up and moving out, these children may think that they got over the disapproval they received as children, especially when they feel accomplished later in life, but it is rarely the truth. The interesting thing is that some of ‘these children’ are the very ones who became our parents and who may never find the courage and authority, even with help, to become the loving and caring parents they never had.
If only our parents could read this maybe they would understand our point of view.
Brilliant as usual 😮💨